Reports from an artist who left instagram

8 things I have learned in 8 months

Hello, dear friend of the internet and maybe real life too!

It’s time to press send on this one and go eat some soup as a reward.

I logged out of instagram for good at the end of January this year and today I’d like to share some experiences and thoughts I’ve been processing from the other side over the last 8 ish months. Autumn is such a great time for reflecting.

If you’re here for the creative practice magic and not for social media talk, no problem, feel free to skip this letter and I’ll resume my regular writing about creativity & self-discovery shortly.

If you’re along for the ride, let’s go.

⊹₊ ⋆

Hello from the other side of the boundary between my tender soul and social media.

Why does this topic matter to me? Well, I used Instagram for my art and business regularly for over a decade. Being on it was undoubtedly a huge part of my journey as an artist and business owner. And so was leaving.

After logging out and not looking back, I have had some time and space to process how I feel. And also, people have been asking. So today I am sending you a second-hand expanded edition of some reflections I’ve first and foremost written by hand as bullet points in my journal.

Quick answers to what you may be wondering:

• The pros to leaving greatly outweigh any possible cons.

• It is a massive relief to not have to think about if / what / how / how much / when to interact on instagram anymore. I actually made it really easy by leaving, and it has opened up a lot of brain space.

• No, my sales haven’t tripled, I didn’t become enlightened, and I don’t have all of the answers. I do, however, feel a refreshing sense that it’s a potent time for adaptation, which leaves me with curiosity and a hopeful new drive to really focus on and continue to discover what my work is.

• If you hear one thing, hear this: So much of the attachment to “needing” to be on the app is an illusion.

• I am 34. I started an Instagram account when I got a smartphone at age 22. This means I was in middle school when LiveJournal and MySpace were popular (and I loved that shit). I was a young college student when Facebook got big. I have two instagram handles that are both still up and available to view as archive, I just don’t log in anymore. Just dropping some stats for context.

Here is what’s on top of my list of reflections:

Feeling reflective in February. Photo by Tamara Wade.

1. Unpacking mental health reclamation.

Leaving was first and foremost a values based decision. The exploitation of our attention for maximum profit at the expense of our health is the core of Instagram’s design. When I left, my communication about it was centered on principal, but I don’t think I could yet verbalize much about my own relationship to its effects on my mental health until I experienced cutting it out. For example, in the business blog post I wrote about leaving, I quickly mentioned that I was afraid that people would think my mental health was on the fritz because I decided to exit such a common space and declared I would not like to return, and being black and white can be seen as kind of extreme.

What I have realized is that there’s nothing wrong with my mental health being on the fritz. What’s wrong is choosing to do nothing about it.

The problem with Instagram is that it became so normal until we started to wake up and realize how numbing, distracting, power-hungry, dystopian, and illusory to how unnecessary the whole thing is. After many years of normalizing these negative effects of social media on my mental state, my attention, my creative energy, and my nervous system, it was a revelation to quite literally come to my senses (what a beautiful expression) and realize how not normal that should be, to believe that, and to empower myself to address it instead of continuing to justify it.

Social media has become such a normal part of our culture, and I think we can also agree that over time it has become less human, with the workings of algorithms leaving a lot of people feeling disregulated and disconnected. I think the problem is not how something so normal could be so negative for me, but how something so negative could become so normal.

My carefully considered clean exit was the setting of a firm boundary, and although it was not dramatic or impulsive, it is still firm, and came from a place of concern for my mental health and my capacities for attention and perception.

I still have a lot of work to do with my relationship with my smartphone in general, but over the course of this year, the effect of leaving instagram has been noticeably positive for my health and my attention. I knew I was not alone when the surgeon general called to issue a warning on the app.

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Considering amounts.

2. Moderation held me back from addiction recovery. Abstaining completely is what healed it.

I know my own signs of when I break an addiction or a habit. When there is something that I have a hard time letting go of, what usually happens with me is that I let it disappoint me over and over for a while until I finally begin to learn and know deep down that it is never going to not disappoint me, and once I get to that point things really change. The repeated experience eventually crystalizes into an embodied knowledge, and with this it resulted in having no further desire to be on the app. It’s worth noting there is also not a strong aversion that I have to manage (aversion, to me, is just the other side of the coin of desire). There is no struggle to control an impulse because the impulse has softened and vanished. I know I am making this sound easy, but the whole “letting it disappoint me over and over” bit lasted for years. Years of friction. But it is the friction polishes the stone.

Now, if I were just steady enough at having self-discipline, couldn’t I have been mentally strong enough to always practice healthy moderation instead of needing to intentionally create a solid boundary? Sadly, nah. Even as a regular meditator, I knew I couldn’t Mindfulness my way out of this one. And it really took an ego adjustment to admit this. We all know these apps are designed to be addictive on purpose. While moderation is a beyond wonderful and effective life skill that I practice in other areas, its effectiveness as a viable method for lasting change away from an addictive relationship with something is historically debatable.

Another reason why I feel that moderation wasn’t getting me anywhere is that the app’s design has become an all-or-nothing model. You have to feed it, continuously, to get engagement. For anyone looking to use instagram for their business, we’re told we need to post multiple times a day in multiple forms. That is the opposite of moderate! And it takes us further away from reality. I found that moderation helped my wellbeing but hurt my stats, because taking a break or practicing moderation means “losing your place in the algorithm” which also keeps us anxiously attached to being active there. I don’t know about you, but to me that sounds a bit like an abusive relationship dynamic, does it not?

This is all to say that I could not locate a middle ground that was both healthy for my being and effective in terms of app success (lol, app success). Since I wasn’t consistently generating content, it wasn’t working in my favor for my business anymore even when I was still “on” it sometimes.

But alas! Instagram never promised us, brilliant creative spirits of Earth, the boons of good health! Instagram’s algorithm was not designed to make us achieve our dreams and fare well financially, emotionally, physically, or spiritually! Meta’s objective is and has always been: to keep people on the app so they make more money. Period, end of sentence.

Of course I implemented many strategies for moderation before and it didn’t hurt, but moderation still held me back from what I really wanted, which was being able to experience total freedom from feeling a dependency on this phone app. Not a little freedom. Not a sometimes freedom. Total freedom. Now, total freedom sounds naive, does it? Well, I say the sky is the limit for what we can want for ourselves. I knew I really wanted to no longer feel like I “had to” stay on instagram for my business even if I really didn’t want to. It simply wasn’t feeling good. If I’m not feeling good, how can I do good work? To know what I really wanted turned out to be empowering. With that said, the bottom line is that my choice to abstain completely has worked for me and broke my addiction to social media, whereas moderation only grazed the surface.

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3. I am re-framing what it means to experience creative accomplishment.

Because it took time and life force to share my art and business on social media, I felt a feeling of accomplishment when I posted something. But as time went on and the app evolved, that’s all it really started to result in: a feeling. A fleeting feeling that was short lived and only really offered some dopamine rainbow sprinkles in the forms of new likes and comments and even just pushing the “post” button. Was this really accomplishment? What did I accomplish? Was the accomplishment real? Lasting? Sustainable? I don’t know.

All I know is that I no longer receive (generate?) those frequent hits of dopamine on social media, so I have gotten used to less of it. I needed to learn that less dopamine did not equal less creative accomplishment. This has given me a lot to reflect on and what I notice is that I have been spending my time and creative energy on things I feel are long term investments for growth of my practices and work, instead of chasing short term satisfaction.

Long term investments such as:

• Building a body of work over time

• Continuous skill building

• Material research

• Education & taking workshops

• Focusing on making and nourishing individual connections

• Engaging locally

• Optimizing and clarifying my product descriptions

• Taking and editing quality photos of my work with a real camera

• Diversifying my business

• Writing long form, like this

• Building a free creative resource library for my business newsletter subscribers

• Starting my Palette of the Month project

Sure, those can also be done by someone who goes on social media. But when I was putting time and work into Instagram strategy and posts, I am seeing that I didn’t have as much time for all of the above, and not to mention the idea that they mattered as much as they do, since social media disguised itself as enough to succeed.

The less I am used to instant gratification, the more opportunities there are to learn to be comfortable without it, and the more I value long term intentions and commitments that lead to deeper satisfaction and deeper happiness.

In relationship to dopamine and getting back to a healthy baseline, I benefitted from listening to this episode of NPR’s Life Kit in which Dr. Anna Lembke (Author of Dopamine Nation) explains reclaiming balanced levels of dopamine with references not just to substances but to behaviors such as social media engagement.

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4. So much less distraction. My creative attention span has completely improved.

My creative process has changed. And what this means for me is that my creative process has not changed, for once. What? Let me explain. I noticed that I have been really sticking with developing my process and concepts for longer than just one small series of paintings. My attention is staying focused, less distracted, and going deeper into my work. I made this connection over the summer and was absolutely amazed. I am seeing the ways I used to try to reinvent the wheel each time I set out to create a new series of work. Now, instead of working through an idea so I can quickly get to the next and newest one, I incorporate my new ideas into my current flow of work, and it becomes integrated as it evolves and grows instead of frenetically changing. I am attributing a lot of this to having less exposure to social media and an endless amount of new stimuli that is impossible to process.

On social media, it’s all about the novelty of endless new, the next nugget, the latest hot take. Being off of social media has decreased that type of energy in my system, which in turn offers a noticeable positive impact on my attention in my creative work, and the work feels more true to me, rooted, and even more full of spirit and potential.

Oh, wow. Just writing that out is realizing it some more.

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5. Sometimes I miss what it used to be.

I know we are just talking about a phone app here, but to many it really isn’t just a phone app. Let’s not brush this off as “just” anything and pretend it’s not as impactful as it has been. Social media has played a big role in how we have made connections in the last decade. I sure do miss what it used to be. But the important thing to remember is that I’m not missing what it is now. I am missing what it was approximately 5+ years ago. Back then, it really did feel fun, it really did feel connective, expressive, and collaborative. It really did help my business grow at one point.

Again, Meta never advertised or owed us any form of care or success. Remember, we have been doing the work for their capital gain. It’s ok to feel bad about the fallout even if it feels ultra embarrassing to grieve the loss of “the way a phone app used to be” when there is so much more to grieve in this world. Maybe that’s the point of how unnecessary it is. And, we know it’s not the app-ness of it, it’s the way it connects to some of our deepest human needs - connection, expression, even security.

I’ve been thinking about how social media was created by humans, and therefore, it’s a reflection of humanity. And what happened was that humans are both smart and vulnerable. The bait was fun and everyone came, the switch was a bummer but it’s hard to leave when everyone is still there.

It’s sad to miss the way something was before, but it’s easy to leave something that you won’t miss now. And what I have learned is that I still have so many wonderful connections and relationships to both people and the world.

~~~ My social media soup analogy ~~~

Instagram is like a soup I really loved but can’t have anymore. Say there was an amazing soup at a restaurant around the corner and you loved it. It was amazing. Now, one day you go in and they say they changed the recipe but the soup has the same name. It still has some of the ingredients and tastes similar but it also contains an ingredient that gives you a raging headache. (Also every time you eat it now you might have to give $1 to a billionaire on accident or something). You want the original ingredients and not the headache ingredients, you want to be nourished by this soup, but alas, it is indeed a soup, and the ingredients are inseparable. So you stop having the soup. It’s sad, you loved the soup, but you love not having a headache more.

Does that make sense? I miss the before-soup but not the now-soup.

I have always run my business and my life on my values and intuition and I trust that even if things are different, when I make choices based on what matters most to me, it is for my highest benefit - even if I don’t know what that is yet.

It’s ok to miss something, even if it’s as silly sounding as a phone app. Don’t be afraid of the cringe feelings. Admitting and investigating grief of any kind is a big step in moving through confusing experiences and decision making. There is a podcast episode of Off The Grid related to this that is a really good listen.

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Hazy spaciousness.

6. We are in a new era and it feels like uncertainty.

Aren’t we always? This new era feels like the beginning of a fresh cycle with an unknown trajectory. Hazy spaciousness. I am hearing this from so many of my friends too. It’s not easy, it’s weird. It sort of feels like being suspended, so any way to stay grounded is very helpful.

I don’t know what this is and I don’t have advice as much as I have encouragement to just keep going in ways that feel right. The internet is starting to feel like a large mass of depleted, overdeveloped land that makes it feel really confusing for artists & creators to thrive in an online “space”, which feels crammed, chaotic and unclear. As a business owner, my sales are down on the marketplaces I’ve relied on most. All of the enshittification patterns of social media are seeping into other online spaces too, like Faire and Etsy.

Via wikipedia:

Enshittification (alternately, crapification and platform decay) is a pattern in which online products and services decline in quality. Initially, vendors create high-quality offerings to attract users, then they degrade those offerings to better serve business customers, and finally degrade their services to users and business customers to maximize profits for shareholders.

So where am I turning to? The connections I already have. You, on this email list. My local connections and markets. My family and friends and real life communities. This is a spacious and embodied way of connecting. I trust that space is where everything good always begins, so why not hang out here in space for a while?

Of course I still want to grow and find new connections, and I still am. It is important and also more joyous and fulfilling to be honest, to focus on what I have right in front of me. Maybe this is actually a fertile place to be, even (especially?) if it feels unfamiliar and unpredictable.

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7. It doesn’t exist.

Basically what I want everyone to know is that experientially, not being on instagram doesn’t feel like “not being on instagram”. It just feels like being. In my daily life experience I am rarely ever thinking about how I am not on instagram unless I am specifically reflecting (or in this case, writing a post about it). I simply feel like I am being alive, doing my work, and nourishing my relationships. I’m living what it’s like to go at the pace of my own human nervous system. I am not saying this lightly. I wish I could explain it better. What I am trying to say is that I am utterly shocked at how much I don’t feel like I am missing out. I still talk to my friends and family, I still know what is going on, I still have a business and I still make art.

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8. I am learning about differentiating smart phone attachment to normal forms of direct connection.

I don’t want to say this is something I learned. Rather, it is something I am still learning. This can be hard to discern. With instagram not calling for my attention anymore, other things on my phone still are. There are two categories, work email and direct connections with my friends, family and community.

For the work email, I know I don’t need to know what is in my inbox as often as I do. Or as early or late in the day as I do. This is an area that I’m bringing a lot of self-compassion to. It is an ongoing discovery of what balance works for me.

The other thing is that I love connecting with people. Texting, emails, these are all on my phone yes, but they are also direct (to an extent) connections with people I love. To me, this is different than posting and scrolling on social media. Do I just love people? Yes. Does my love for connecting with people keep me checking my phone and sending messages to people? Also yes. Is it a problem? It depends. Mostly not.

How I have been differentiating is noticing how I feel in my body when I am checking my phone. If the frequency of phone checking starts to feel like escapism, obsession, avoidance of my immediate surroundings, grasping, or getting in the way of something I actually want to do IRL, that’s when it feels a bit of a red flag. That’s when it’s time to turn on ‘do not disturb’ and go on a bike ride. Otherwise, I don’t see the problem of using my smartphone as a great tool for my most dear and important connections.

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So if I’m not on social media, how have I been connecting?

I’ve been building my newsletter list since 2017, babe! Newsletters have always been fun and important to me. Email was here before social media and it will be here after.

I have multiple mailing lists. One is a super fun newsletter for my printed goods business and another is the one you are reading here via my Substack, Field of Visions, for my art practice and sharing lessons from the creative process:

In addition to my brand’s own intentionally glam website I invested in, my business Worthwhile Paper is on several marketplaces including Etsy, Faire and Shoppe Online. My paintings are in a few galleries local and otherwise, and I love to network in-person. We are currently looking for more independent wholesale reps and this holiday season I’ll be experimenting with a rewards program where you can have a special referral link that you get paid to refer us to your audiences, connections, and friends!

I’m discovering what works, what feels right, and what doesn’t and exploring moving forward with curiosity and an open mind.

⊹₊ ⋆

Here are some quick recap takeaways for you if you’re considering stepping away from social media and want some positive reminders:

1. It’s empowering to stop normalizing the negative effects of social media on your mental health. Your health is most important.

2. Moderation doesn’t hurt, but it is holding you back from the change you really want?

3. Short term satisfaction might only be leaving you burned out and wanting more. Long term investments in the growth of your practice provide less immediate validation, but more long term fulfillment.

4. When there is less distraction and less orientation toward the novelty of newness, your focus can deepen.

5. It’s hard to accept the present without grieving the loss of how it used to be. Things are different now, and you’re allowed to be bummed, to accept that, and to adapt in alignment with your highest knowing self.

6. We are in a new era, and it can feel weird in a bad way, but if you open your eyes wider, it could feel weird in a good way.

7. You might not be missing out as much as you think you will.

8. It’s ok to want to connect, not everything is a problem, pay attention to your body to discover when it is.

Unconditional love and acceptance of alternate opinions and experiences disclaimer:

I also think it’s ok if you don’t want to leave social media if it’s not feeling negatively impactful to you. This is my personal experience, and not my view of everything as a whole. There is no judgement here if you disagree. Everyone has a different relationship to everything, and I respect your path as much as I respect my own.

Thanks for reading this and connecting with me here. Parts of this post are embarrassing to share, and other parts I’m proud of. Being a human is a mix of many things at once, like so.

Keep discovering.

♡ Kristen