Hello ◡̈
Lately I have encountered several practice wake-up moments where I am in the middle of something that is not going my way, and I just want to give up, but for some reason I don’t give up, so I’ve been unpacking that.
I can be found advocating for rest quite a bit. Rest is good, and rest is my go-to solution when things aren’t working out. By rest I mean taking a break, walking away, surrendering, giving myself some space. It often is just what I need.
The more I say that out loud, though, I wonder if I am inadvertently knitting myself a pattern that may not actually be a remedy to all situations. If rest is my automatic comfort response, I wonder if it has become a little more habitual than truly responsive to what is actually going on in a moment.
In the past 5 months months, I have been experimenting with a new medium, earth paint. Paint made from rock pigments! I’ve been making my own paint and tweaking the ratios of pigment, medium and water (and some drops of flower essences for good juju) to get the effect I want. There was a cascade of moments that resulted in doubt and discouragement because of failed attempts. I thought about just giving up and moving on. But the curiosity is just way too strong for me to run away.
I find this happening in my meditation practice too. 15 minutes in, I impatiently think to myself “welp this isn’t working today, time to say bye and go do something else!”. I can indeed get up and do something else, or, I can notice the impulse to run and then not act on it. Whenever I stay it’s because I wonder what will happen if I stay.
When to not give up: if the curiosity is still there.
The message in this letter is not “don’t give up, ever” because that message, if taken too seriously, can also be harmful and lead to emotional or physical burnout. Instead, my message to myself and to you, dear reader, is to bring attention to your state in moments of doubt, and ask what is really needed the most. Feel into your body, energy and emotions deeply when you’re experiencing doubt in your practice and ask - what will really help me right now, rest or perseverance?
Rest is definitely the answer at times for me. I’ve taken breaks from making things before and come back to my practice refreshed. Rest shall not be cancelled. On the other hand, perhaps I have been so rest-focused and afraid of stress for some time that I often forget that there can be a special value in pushing myself a little bit past my comfort zone, if done in a way that is conscious, self-respectful and nonviolent.
Perseverance with awareness is so much different than going past our limits or living the illusion of ‘hustle = success’. This isn’t about burning the candle at both ends. This is about lighting a small candle of intentional observation of your creative process. It is about being present with your state during your practice. Can an act of pushing myself be an act of faith, an honorable act of bravery, one more loving push of the pedal to electrify the curiosity machine? Can an act of pushing myself be seen as simply staying with the flow even if things aren’t feeling blissful every step of the way? Let’s see what happens.
Giving in instead of giving up
I am going to keep practicing giving IN to the curiosity, when I have the capacity, even when things feel weird. I am going to keep practicing discernment between when rest or push is needed. I’ll still take a break when I am truly tired.
I hope you are doing ok. Maybe perseverance is in the air because it’s March in Michigan, or because we are on the end of year two of a pandemic, or because hope is often our only dream in times of inner and outer chaos.
However you are finding ways to hang on in your practice and in your life, I hope it serves you beyond your sweetest visions.
May we all find hope and ways to grow in times of doubt.
Keep practicing ♡
-Kristen
Love the qualifier of not giving up if "the curiosity is still there", I wish I had learned that lesson earlier in life. And, honestly, I don't know that I could have articulated that idea as nicely before reading this post - thanks for sharing :)