Hello, from a tender summer-fed heart. Today I find myself sort of grounded, in the middle of a family covid quarantine, amidst all of the high sunward energy of this season. It’s the full moon today, which can be very illuminating. I’m inspired to reflect on the last few weeks, using a guiding concept that is the foundation of this newsletter writing project: The creative process leads to a deeper understanding of ourselves.
What can the creative process teach us about ourselves? Perhaps it reveals and reminds us of what challenges us. Do we always want to face that stuff? Not always.
Recently I found myself standing still in my painting studio. It shares a building with my small business, which means I’m in the building often, but on this day when I stepped inside my studio, I realized I hadn’t set foot in that room for at least a few weeks (which is not super normal for me). As I stood among some unresolved experiments dotted across the table, I remembered that the last few times I left the room I did so feeling uncomfortably dissatisfied.
Do you ever observe yourself, in a sort of secret round-about way, avoiding your practice because you might not have the capacity it takes to be present with yourself through anything that might come up? This makes sense to me. Sometimes being alone with ourselves as we go through a process can require a bit of emotional stamina. I think avoidance might be a normal, ingenious way our systems try to protect us from feeling discomfort. But if we are able to perceive that this is happening, we can (at least attempt to) liberate ourselves from confinement of the situation, and we can see this all with compassion and acceptance. And sometimes that’s all that’s needed.
I’ve found the creative process to be a mirror for the ways I experience other parts of life, and an opportunity to see clearer. To use my own example, I’m noticing that a part of my process brought up some discomfort. I felt dissatisfaction with some “results”, and then there was an additional part of myself that really wanted to avoid the feeling of discomfort again, so I avoided even entering the room. The best thing I know how to do from here is ask why. Why does the feeling of unresolved experiments frustrate me to the point of avoidance? Ha, well, I can see that clearly there is a part of myself that just wants some instant gratification, and/or there are expectations of myself to get it right, quickly, and experience the satisfaction from something turning out well. I can quickly see the humor in that, and how it reflects some conditioning in my life (and in society).
Feeling the discomfort and asking questions about it not only provides some answers which in turn provides relief, but sometimes it also provides insight. Like how this inquiry in itself reminds me that there is actually no such thing as an unresolved experiment, because experiments are not MEANT to BE resolved. Experiments are doorways that don’t promise a destination, but instead they simply offer experience. Even if it’s just the experience of walking through the door, into an empty room. No matter the result, it’s new knowledge nonetheless. Why do some of the most obvious reminders like this escape me?! It’s so funny.
Here is the core of what I am feeling right now. Some moments, days, weeks, months, years are just difficult. Sometimes making art can bring some challenging stuff to the surface. Insecurity, doubt, discomfort, memories, frustration. If this happens, offer compassion at the part of you that wants to protect you from feeling that pain. It’s a part of yourself that loves yourself. Remind yourself that even the smallest ways of showing up will lead you to additional experiences of understanding yourself. The willingness to show up, and the willingness to see yourself with honesty and humility is the name of the game. Feelings of joy, resolve, and contentment may come, or they may not, but regardless of what comes, you will go deeper into relationship with yourself each step of the non-linear way.
I’m glad to say there is always the other side. There is always another page waiting to turn in its own time.
Questions and ways to experiment:
What comes up for you, in your physical, emotional, mental spaces during different parts of your creative process?
What experiences do you find yourself wanting to avoid, either intentionally or subconsciously?
Next time you feel discomfort in your practice, take some moments to write about it, and ask yourself questions.
See what happens if you keep showing up.
Keep practicing ♡
-Kristen
Great reminder. My creativity comes in fits and spurts, normally with writing. I took a bit of a leap in faith to create my own newsletter about 10 weeks ago and then, horror of horrors, actually telling people about it! But it does get easier with time, just need to be respectful.
Now if I could only make myself resume work on my NaNoWriMo project that's been gathering dust for 4 years...